Focusing on my fertility, releasing fear and shame surrounding my womb, and giving myself permission to crack open have been profound learning experiences. I’ve made it sacred.
Create Space
"Make space, soften, and come home. Through that, I will expand. Through that, I will create new life."
Lately, I’ve been thinking about and focusing on these three statements:
- Breathe Deeply and Create Space.
- Soften and Connect to the Cosmos.
- Come Home.
Breathe Deeply and Create Space.
Slowing down, breathing deeply, and creating space are important for our well-being. We want, want, want. “I want a baby NOW! I want more money! I want to lose ten pounds!” We go, go, go. For me, I hurry to work, rush through the work day to meet a utilization goal set by a white man in a suit, possibly rush to an event after work that feeds my soul, go to yoga, fly home to help cook dinner or walk Keeva, be sure to eat nourishing meals to boost my fertility, clean the dishes at light speed to make time for Graeme, maintain relationships and text everyone back, try to stay sane, pack more obligations into my calendar, and for the love of all things Holy, try not to let anyone down. We work, work, work. We keep climbing that invisible ladder to try to get ahead and live the American Dream. (puke)
Even writing this made my heart race!
A lot of us are consumed with working hard to get to the top of the corporate ladder, or working out to get that perfect body that we imagine, and when these things don’t happen, we blame ourselves and wonder what we’re doing wrong. Well, you’re not doing anything wrong. Just slow down, appreciate your breath, and love yourself. Love is the key ingredient in all that we do, and if we make an effort to do these things, we will create the space that we need to thrive.
Soften and Connect to the Cosmos.
What does it mean to you to soften and connect? For me, the first word that comes to mind is expansion. My heart expands, letting me love more deeply. My womb expands, making room for creation, writing, and conception. My mind expands and makes space for stillness. My energy field expands, sending waves through our collective consciousness.
When I say Connect to the Cosmos, I am referring to the universal life force and energy within all of us as well as the world around us. Pay attention to the phases of the moon, gaze at the stars, walk barefoot on the Earth, listen to music, eat plants, meditate in a way that energizes you, and get intimate with your soul.
Come Home.
Graeme and I finally watched our wedding video the other day. It’s been almost five and a half years! Clearly, I didn’t heed my advice about creating space until now. At any rate, memories of joy and happiness flooded our living room. It feels like yesterday that we were there saying our vows and laughing with our loved ones.
One moment in particular stood out to me. During my dad’s speech, he said, “We just like to spend time together. We don’t have to talk much or do anything, we just like to be together.” I’m in awe of how profound this statement is. I’ve always been in awe of his succinct words of wisdom. To me, spending time with loved ones feels like going home, no matter where you are.
It got me thinking about having this relationship with myself and what it means to “come home”. Struggling with fertility, I question my body’s ability to do what it’s supposed to do. In reality, my body is my home. It’s comfortable, soft, and healthy. And, it will be the first home of our children. I now see the importance of spending more time with myself, in my body, connecting to the Divine and softening into my home. This provides time for reflection, gratitude, and peace. It also provides time to pause and acknowledge my great joy as well as my great suffering. Not only mine, but the people around me, too.
Slowing down and softening are important for creation, conception, and opportunity. No matter what phase of life you’re in, it’s important to remember to create space. Space for reflection, transformation, and joy.
What are ways that you soften and create space in your life?
This Vulnerability Thing. It Takes Ovaries.
After I launched my website a couple of weeks ago, I felt excited! However, the next minute I felt the rawest of vulnerability – like my secret is exposed. Research shows that infertility is a disease. I’m still coming to terms with this fact, and exposing myself to others besides my closest friends and family is step one. In all honesty, I bet only my closest friends and husband read my website and my first blog post (you guys rock, by the way – thank you for your support), so I really shouldn’t feel scared because they all know the depths of darkness that I face daily.
I do, though.
I’m scared that people will ask me about it when I’m not feeling prepared to talk about it. Society trains us to hide our vulnerabilities. But WHY? What's the point? What makes us feel ashamed, vulnerable, and what holds us back are what need to be exposed so that we can heal.
I choose happiness and I choose to live in the present moment, yet I forget to live by these choices. Making my way to my yoga mat always helps, even if I have to army crawl my way there.
Why do I feel exposed? Like my secret is out? Is it because it’s floating around, ready and waiting for judgement? It is eye opening to see how people react to this, and quite honestly, if this wasn’t part of my journey I’d be ignorant about it, too.
Every time someone makes a recommendation to me/us about the path of treatment we should take (IVF, adoption, or "Just relax!") my defenses go up. I admit that this isn't the best way to handle these situations, but these scenarios confirm my belief that the world needs to be educated about this subject. It’s not talked about because it’s so personal and women feel like we're struggling alone. I vow to expose my truth and bring the darkness to light, in hopes of helping all women.
The fact of the matter is – we only know what it feels like to be in our own shoes, right? I would never suggest a path of healing or treatment to a cancer patient (unless I was their doctor), so why is it okay for people to suggest a path of treatment for me? Think about that. As human beings, I understand that it is in (most of our) DNA to want to help people, especially our loved ones. And that is great. That is wonderful. That is being alive. In my opinion, and you might not all agree with me on this one, if you’re not educated about the subject of fertility, or cancer, or struggling with addiction, then you have no right to tell a woman who is struggling with fertility what she needs to do. None. Zero. What I suggest instead is asking if your loved one is open to talking about it without judgement, without pretending that you have the answers and know what’s best.
We can’t fault people for their ignorance. What we need to do is educate the world on how to handle this sensitive topic.
I’m going to write a post about what NOT to say to a woman who is struggling with fertility at some point, but here are a few suggestions to get started. Do not say:
- Just relax. You just need to relax.
o There is no research on this being a proven method of success.
- I think you should go and get some help, millions of women do it with success.
o What you don’t hear about is how scary this process is for couples who choose this path. I have nothing against going this route and we might be back there one day. We tried one round of IUI (failed) and it was heartbreaking. Couples pay thousands of dollars (One round of IVF can total over $20,000.00) with no guarantee of taking a baby home. Besides the monetary issues, women’s bodies get beat up with hormones and emotions are even more all over the charts. Fertility clinics are somber environments and after you have a failed attempt they just send you home with more hormones, like you’re a cow. Some institutions may have help lines, but it was impossible for me to reach anyone to talk to after our failed attempt. If you're going through this and want to talk, e-mail me at kirsten.j.stewart@gmail.com.
- You’re getting old – you should really get some help.
o It’s all perspective – and this one doesn’t help relieve any pressure. It adds to the pressure and the shame.
- I think you should adopt!
o This might be an option for us some day, but that’s our decision, not yours. This can be especially hurtful coming from a person who has never struggled with fertility. Just don't do it, unless we are open to discussing it.
I’m starting to like putting my thoughts into words. This vulnerability thing takes ovaries.
I want to hear your thoughts about my blog.
Can you relate? Are you going through something similar? Do you have loved ones that are struggling?
Send me an email.
The Struggle Really is Real
“What you give your attention to is what you create.” This message came to me during my meditation today. I feel sad, stuck, angry, and forgotten today, so it is a seemingly perfect gift from within. During this same meditation, I saw myself as a woman whose identity is wrapped up in her infertility. Why is that? Why do I want to hang on to this story? It’s not the life I want to have right now - it’s NOT! Is it so I have a story to tell? Do I think it makes me more mysterious? Is this how I’m searching for attention? Or is it none of these and is this just part of my journey? I want to think that it’s just part of my journey and that the reason for all of my suffering is so that I can learn to be with myself to find the wholeness that I crave.
One benefit of struggling with fertility is that we get the chance to navigate scary, unforgiving paths of human struggle. We learn how to cope with things we cannot control and we get a lot of practice on how to grieve. Each month when that dreaded period comes we grieve. We grieve for what could have been, we grieve for another month gone by without success in conceiving, and we grieve the lost hope that we feel in our hearts again. At the same time, we get to be raw and vulnerable with ourselves and let our emotions flow, even when our ugly cries come out. Let that shit out, woman! This is important work! We have the opportunity to learn this before we have children, how cool is that? We get to spend time in meditation and on our yoga mats exploring the uncharted territories of our souls. Setting my struggles aside and stepping out to look within, I realize that this is a gift. Do you agree?
I also read today that research has shown that the impact of infertility in terms of stress levels over a prolonged period of time (2-3 years TTC) is as big as the impact of dealing with potentially terminal illnesses. The struggle is real!!! I say this as a joke a lot, but really, it is.