After I launched my website a couple of weeks ago, I felt excited! However, the next minute I felt the rawest of vulnerability – like my secret is exposed. Research shows that infertility is a disease. I’m still coming to terms with this fact, and exposing myself to others besides my closest friends and family is step one. In all honesty, I bet only my closest friends and husband read my website and my first blog post (you guys rock, by the way – thank you for your support), so I really shouldn’t feel scared because they all know the depths of darkness that I face daily.
I do, though.
I’m scared that people will ask me about it when I’m not feeling prepared to talk about it. Society trains us to hide our vulnerabilities. But WHY? What's the point? What makes us feel ashamed, vulnerable, and what holds us back are what need to be exposed so that we can heal.
I choose happiness and I choose to live in the present moment, yet I forget to live by these choices. Making my way to my yoga mat always helps, even if I have to army crawl my way there.
Why do I feel exposed? Like my secret is out? Is it because it’s floating around, ready and waiting for judgement? It is eye opening to see how people react to this, and quite honestly, if this wasn’t part of my journey I’d be ignorant about it, too.
Every time someone makes a recommendation to me/us about the path of treatment we should take (IVF, adoption, or "Just relax!") my defenses go up. I admit that this isn't the best way to handle these situations, but these scenarios confirm my belief that the world needs to be educated about this subject. It’s not talked about because it’s so personal and women feel like we're struggling alone. I vow to expose my truth and bring the darkness to light, in hopes of helping all women.
The fact of the matter is – we only know what it feels like to be in our own shoes, right? I would never suggest a path of healing or treatment to a cancer patient (unless I was their doctor), so why is it okay for people to suggest a path of treatment for me? Think about that. As human beings, I understand that it is in (most of our) DNA to want to help people, especially our loved ones. And that is great. That is wonderful. That is being alive. In my opinion, and you might not all agree with me on this one, if you’re not educated about the subject of fertility, or cancer, or struggling with addiction, then you have no right to tell a woman who is struggling with fertility what she needs to do. None. Zero. What I suggest instead is asking if your loved one is open to talking about it without judgement, without pretending that you have the answers and know what’s best.
We can’t fault people for their ignorance. What we need to do is educate the world on how to handle this sensitive topic.
I’m going to write a post about what NOT to say to a woman who is struggling with fertility at some point, but here are a few suggestions to get started. Do not say:
- Just relax. You just need to relax.
o There is no research on this being a proven method of success.
- I think you should go and get some help, millions of women do it with success.
o What you don’t hear about is how scary this process is for couples who choose this path. I have nothing against going this route and we might be back there one day. We tried one round of IUI (failed) and it was heartbreaking. Couples pay thousands of dollars (One round of IVF can total over $20,000.00) with no guarantee of taking a baby home. Besides the monetary issues, women’s bodies get beat up with hormones and emotions are even more all over the charts. Fertility clinics are somber environments and after you have a failed attempt they just send you home with more hormones, like you’re a cow. Some institutions may have help lines, but it was impossible for me to reach anyone to talk to after our failed attempt. If you're going through this and want to talk, e-mail me at kirsten.j.stewart@gmail.com.
- You’re getting old – you should really get some help.
o It’s all perspective – and this one doesn’t help relieve any pressure. It adds to the pressure and the shame.
- I think you should adopt!
o This might be an option for us some day, but that’s our decision, not yours. This can be especially hurtful coming from a person who has never struggled with fertility. Just don't do it, unless we are open to discussing it.
I’m starting to like putting my thoughts into words. This vulnerability thing takes ovaries.