I’ve been struggling with finding the words lately to describe how I am feeling. I want to write about something that people find interesting that emanates some wisdom that I’ve gained throughout my intimate journey with my fertility. I keep telling myself, “Don’t force it, it’ll come. It’ll come when it’s time.” Writing is a cathartic exercise for me to process my feelings and it’s not necessarily about my audience finding it interesting or learning something from it. That’s the bonus, if it happens. Thank you for being here.
When I started this blog post, we were packing up and preparing for our journey to Graeme’s family’s cottage on beautiful Canoe Lake that is nestled in Algonquin Provincial Park in Ontario. If we are fortunate enough to be able to take the time off each year, we make the 16-hour one-way drive to spend 7-10 days surrounded by nature, family, and friends. It’s magical: a time to disconnect from technology and spend time plugging into the Earth with the people that we love. It also gives me a chance to get to know the special place that makes Graeme light up when he talks about it, the place he cradles in his heart. His home, where he imagines himself to be when he needs to feel at peace.
Journey to the Fertility Clinic
This isn’t the only journey we were preparing for, though. We are going to start fertility treatments soon! First up is Intrauterine Insemination (IUI). In a nutshell, this is a process that involves placing sperm inside of my uterus via a catheter in hopes that one of the little guys fertilizes an awaiting egg. It’s relatively painless, minus the side effects from the drugs, so that’s a plus. We went through one IUI in November 2016. It failed and it left me devastated, to the point where I didn’t want to try it again because I didn’t want to face that devastation. This time, though, we are well-informed and ready to take the leap together.
I told Graeme the other night that I don’t want to tell anyone when we start this process. He kindly reminded me that there are many people who love us and that their love and support can help us. I told him that I don’t want to let people down if it doesn’t work.
Let people down?!?! Wow! I didn’t even know that was something that I felt. What is that? As soon as the words tumbled out of my lips, I felt both shock and awe that I’m feeling this way. I sat with it for a while and I believe it stems from not wanting to disappoint the people I love, basically for as long as I can remember. I’ve always felt that if I am good, if I am kind, and if I don’t disappoint people, I’ll be loved and worthy to be alive. What a bunch of rubbish!
Infertility brings our wounds to the surface to be processed. Our vulnerabilities, our trauma, and our fears. Some wounds and emotions have been buried so deeply that our mind has a hard time making sense of where and how they got there. They’re just there. Our body remembers, though. For me, I know that having “unexplained infertility” has been a way for me to bring some of my deep wounding to light to grow as a person mentally, physically, and spiritually.
Being on Canoe Lake, there was a lot of baby talk. New pregnancy announcements, couples deciding that it’s “baby time,” or wondering what was “in the water” because everyone close to them got pregnant at the same time. There were couples who have had two children during the time that Graeme and I have been trying to conceive one. I had to fight back tears because of this. It makes me sad, I can’t help it.
There were also times, though, that I cried from being in awe of our beautiful life together. I don’t have pity for us, I don’t feel bad for us, I choose to be grateful for the past four years of spiritual growth, getting closer to Graeme, and peeling back the layers of my ego to live closer to my truth.
Journey to Connect with Spirit
During our stay, we embarked on a 3-day canoe tripping journey through Algonquin Park with two of our beloved (albeit new, for me) friends. In order to canoe trip successfully, you have to completely surrender. It’s the best!! There was nothing but us, our canoe, the open water, and our essentials that we packed into our packs. Spirit danced around us. We paddled in high winds and soaked in the rain. We sang songs together as we paddled in sync underneath blue skies. It was nothing but us and the Great Spirit, paddling through black velvet waters and portaging through rocky terrain.
All in all, it was about 50 miles of paddling and 5 miles of portaging (with a 75-plus pound on my back and G with the canoe). It’s hard work! This was my third time going out with Graeme and I felt the strongest I’ve ever felt during this trip. Physically, mentally, and spiritually. Rule #1 is that you can never complain. I didn’t even feel the need to complain because I felt at home living in the moment. Besides, there’s no way out of it once you’re in it. You have to keep moving through the pain, the annoyances, and the grievances. Kind of like dealing with infertility!
Graeme and I were in the canoe together, each interpreting the journey on our own, but moving together as one. There was an ever-present thread of contentment, and a state of fluid peace.
We often paddled in silence, listening to the sound that the paddle makes as it enters the water. I thought a lot about my family and close friends, loved ones that have passed away, and all of the joy that I’ve had the privilege of experiencing throughout my life.
At one point, a voice inside me said, “Your mom loves you more than you’ve ever been able to imagine.” It moved me to tears. I love my mom dearly, yet I don’t think I’ve ever sat down and really thought about how much she loves me. I love our baby(s) that aren’t physically here with us SO MUCH but I’ve never stopped to think about what a mother’s love means. It’s deep and profound and moves beyond our 3D world. I get that now.
Occasionally, a butterfly would join us in the middle of the lake and dance along the water. It made me giggle because I’ve been connecting to butterflies this summer and have always thought that it’s our children connecting with me through spirit. Nothing is coincidence.
A part of me was birthed on this canoe trip that wasn’t here before. I can feel it in my bones.
Journey to Learning How to Mother
I’ve always been hesitant to advanced reproductive technology and fertility treatments. I don’t know if it’s fear or instinct, and I’ve been trying to get to the bottom of it because I want to go into treatments with a trusting, open heart. I’m enthusiastic about finding natural treatments to boost my fertility (acupuncture, chiropractic care, Mayan abdominal massage, yoga, meditation, nutrition, etc.), but when it comes to Western medicine, my walls go up. I talked about this with my acupuncturist last week. She asked me, “Why do you feel hesitant to start?”
I think that a part of me doesn’t want to give up the time I have to be a mother to myself. If there’s one thing that I’ve learned how to do over the past four years, it’s how to mother myself.
I nurture and care for myself and put self-care as top priority. It’s been wonderful! I know myself better than ever before. I’ve tended to my needs with utmost care, patience, and rawness. I’ve held space for myself to explore my vulnerabilities, my wounds, and my desires. I’ve given myself permission to ask questions, to sit, to play, to laugh, and to cry. This is what a mother does for her children, and I’ve given this gift to myself. I’ve learned how to be a mother, in a way. I know, of course, that I’ll still be hit with a tidal wave when the time comes and I realize how hard it is, but this has been a great introductory class.
Journey to Conscious Conception
I’ve spent many hours this summer meditating and setting intention for this next step. I’ve been exploring my womb, my heart, giving myself permission to feel what comes up, connecting with spirit, and trusting that all will unfold in accordance with my highest good. I know that I can and am choosing to make our Western medicine approach to conceiving a child sacred.
Here’s the thing, we can make this process sacred. We can move into this phase of our journey with intention. I know that this is one lesson in all of this - that all things are sacred if we move through life with intention.
What is unfolding right in front of our eyes is beautiful. We get the chance to lean on Western medicine and the assistance of fertility experts to try to bring the souls of our baby(s) to Earth.
It can still be conscious conception! Instead of getting wrapped up in how we think things should go, I will surrender and remember to come back to my womb and live in presence, just like on canoe trip. We must surrender to the ebb and flow of life. When we do this, we can find the magic in our journey.
I ask that if you’re reading this, please only send us unconditional love. Please do not worry, have concern, or have pity for us. These emotions can cause energetic blocks and right now all we need is love. All there is, is love.